safe words

I was reading an article about safe words today.  The topic interested me.  The comment at the bottom really made me think.  It was saying that pushing limits and safe wording were healthy. Which made me wonder about the security I take in the phrase, “I have never safe worded.”  I don’t like safe wording.  I don’t like tapping out in a fight.  I don’t like saying I can’t jump that high or make that shot.  I don’t like the idea that I can’t take the pain.

How will he know my limits if he never pushes me to safe word?

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3 thoughts on “safe words

  1. Sara,

    Thanks for writing back. 🙂

    First of all, keep talking to your Dom. Communication is key. For me it is part of the honesty that is so precious in a good D/s relationship.

    But I understand it can be hard to communicate at times.

    Perhaps I can help you form your thoughts so you can have that conversation with your Dom. (I will say, he’s a lucky guy. I hope he realizes how lucky he is.)

    I have a sub who is a lot like you (I think so, at least).

    When we met we immediately started playing together. It was D/s. It was hot. It was intense. It was amazing. But (and this is a good “but”)…but we stayed together for a long time. Things changed, we came to care for each other outside our D/s play times, and I did become more vanilla. (How can I hurt/punish this person who means that much to me?)

    It was my failing as a Dom. I needed (and still need) to remember the foundation of what brought us together in the first place.

    So I devised a play session. I didn’t tell her I was going to do this, I just did it.

    When I went to see her for one if our play sessions one December, I told her to be “ready”. No other instructions.

    We started at 6pm on a Friday night. No complaints about the long week. Too bad if you want a nap. I don’t care if you’re tired from work. This is important.

    I sent her to her room and made her wait for me. She had no idea what was coming.

    I had laid out all my “toys” in advance. Dildos, butt plugs, vibrators, crop, flogger, paddle, clothes pins, some of those black binder clips from work, needles, candles, her collar, chains, ice, a lighter, rope and more.

    She had to stand in her room and stare at that collection and just wonder what was going to happen.

    I left her like that for 15 minutes. Alone with her thoughts.

    When I entered the room, I literally threw her on the bed and stripped her. (Mild, non-consensual roleplay is one of our kinks.) I felt between her legs and she was already dripping wet.

    I proceeded to tie her up. (I find rope incredibly sensual. It is not just the texture of the rope in my hands/against her skin, but it is the intimacy of being right next to your sub…touching her as you slide the rope across her skin…feeling the heat come off her body as she gets more and more turned on…knowing that she knows that she will literally be unable to refuse whatever you want to do to her.)

    I then used each and every one of my “toys” on her. I would crop her and then paddle her. I’d put them away and put clothes pins on her while I very slowly pushed a butt plug into her ass. Then I’d paddle her some more.

    I used the candle wax on the most sensitive places I could find.

    I was not being a lover. I was being her Dom. I was calculating in my methods — but not cold. I wanted to explore her limits of pain. I wanted to her to revel in it. I knew she was getting turned on. (As I mentioned, it is very clear how wet my sub gets.)

    I gave her pleasure only so I could give her more pain. The more pleasure I gave her, the more pain she could take. As you wrote, I think she escaped the pain by focusing more deeply on the pleasure.

    As we went farther and farther, each tidbit of pleasure meant more and more to her. When I took the black binder clips off her lips (after they had been on for a few minutes), she screamed. And as I put my head between her legs and licked her clit she almost pushed me off the bed she was bucking so hard in pleasure.

    When I let her suck me, while I was flogging her back with her largest dildo in her ass, she almost came.

    We played like this for over three hours. She came away exhausted (and I wasn’t too far behind). She was bruised (literally) and battered. But she was also satisfied like she hadn’t been in months. (Me too.)

    Oh…and throughout it all, she never used a safe word. 🙂

    For the two of us, it was like we had gotten back to our “roots”. We kept all the connection we’d developed over the previous year, but it was a reminder of our foundation — a reminder of why we really were a match for each other.

    When I look back on the memory, it still makes me smile.

    I hope you can find the same kind of happiness with your Dom. If you ever play like that, I don’t think it matters if you safe word or not. I think it’s the journey together that is worthwhile.

    Hope this helps. Keep asking for what you want. Don’t give up.

    Best,

    YM

  2. YM

    Thanks for the comments. They made me think. Admittedly, they also left me a little unfocused while at a work conference.

    Yes. I was referring to safe wording in relation to pain.

    I don’t know exactly what the role of pain is in my play or in my kink. When I feel pain, I tend to focus more on my pleasure and come quicker. I think this is because I am blocking out the pain.

    Recently, I have wanted to be hurt more but I am not sure why.

    The Dom that I play with likes pain as a gift of my submission and I like to please him. I also feel like we have gotten a little vanilla recently and I have trouble focusing.

    I guess that I have answered nothing. I have no idea how much pain I want or how far I want to be pushed. I don’t know how I feel about pain or why I am suddenly wanting it. I don’t know if I will regret the request for more.

    I guess maybe that is why I haven’t spoken to my Dom more directly…

    Sara

  3. Sara,

    I’m going to start with an assumption, correct me if I’m wrong: You are talking about using a safeword because of too much pain.

    I start here because there are other reasons to safeword, but from what you wrote, I think that’s what you’re talking about.

    So if that premise is right then….

    My question to you is: Is finding out the limits of pain you can take your goal?

    Said a different way: What is the role of pain in your play?

    If you’ve never safeworded, then perhaps there is pleasure left undiscovered deep in pain…that you (and he) have not explored. (This could be really hot. Is there mind-blowing pleasure that you (or he) would get from pushing past your perceived limits deep into pain?)

    Or does pain have a different role in your play…one where it signifies your submission, but isn’t a goal in and of itself?

    Or…could the answer be “both”?

    Ultimately, this is something to work out with your Dom, but I look forward to your response.

    YM

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