what to say

it’s really hard to write a post when I have no idea what I really feel.  I have some surface things that I could share with you but they just don’t hit the heart of what is on my mind at the moment.  There is a lot to tell you all but I am still so confused on how I feel that it is hard to phrase it.  I guess the easy way would be an emotionless play by play.  I could let you fill in the emotions…

The teacher that I talked about before has been in and out of my life in the last year.  Sometimes we will spar together and other times we will not talk for months.  It is always charged when we meet.  It always leaves me wanting…

This week, we met for coffee at a reasonable hour.  The Starbucks closed and we went to a park.  The park got dark and we went to his house.  He brought up sex and I blushed bright red.  We talked  about his life and what is missing.  He asked about mine.  I avoided questions that would lead towards my submissiveness.  (I have been told it is not obvious outside of the bedroom.)

As the hours passed, the shyness subsided.  We talked about everything.  He asked what I liked but looking back, I never asked him.  (I wonder how I can think I am submissive but I didn’t ask about his needs.)

I started to fade and he told me to go sleep in the guest bedroom.  He joined me.  He held me and touched me with urgency.  He put me on my stomach and finger fucked me.  He pulled my hair.  He made me beg to suck him.  He shoved himself deep into my throat.  He made me hold my hips up high while he watched me cum.  I begged to suck him again and swallowed his cum.

We cuddled close as we fell asleep.  My thoughts raced.  I held back.  (I know verbal diarrhea is a common after effect of sex.)  I fell asleep.  I woke up to him touching me and a sinking feeling in my stomach.  I moved from his touch (wondering what he thought of me as a submissive) and fell back to sleep.

I woke up feeling more sick.  I had only slept two hours.  I always feel physically ill with so little sleep.  I could smell him on me. I didn’t like it.   I can’t wrap my head around how I feel.  It’s been 72 hours and I am still confused…


4 thoughts on “what to say

  1. Female submissiveness is common enough. However, if he tends to abuse you or you are afraid of being abused and disrespected because of the associated perceived low self-esteem, just ask him to reverse the roles at times. If you absolutely have to be submissive to be aroused, then a mixed mode is possible. A good position is to let him push you down on your back while you lift up your hips naturally for him to plug in a rotating vibrator, so that he can French kiss you in between your hips while touching you everywhere. This way, you are being forced to accept a deep and lasting French kiss in your behind while feeling the vibes that join the sensation of a real tongue kiss, hence experiencing both submission and power simultaneously. Bye now.

  2. it is much different when you have a Top down relationship. Dom being the top, an un-collared submissive has limitations. Powerful do not want to be questioned, they have complete control to your will and they will tell you what you need to know and tell you exactly want and expect. I respected and honored him for that.

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