Last night, I was asked why I can’t just let it go. He thinks I would be happier if I wasn’t trying to chase this lifestyle. That I’d be more fulfilled and confident.
I guess I would rather not want all of this. It complicates my life. I can’t have my job find out. I have to look for a man that is not only perfect for me but also matches my needs in bed. I am dancing a scary line. I don’t really like that I want this. If I could change it, I think I would like to be a sweet little vanilla girl.
I have wanted to submit since I was 14. I hid from the realities of what I need for over 10 years. I wasn’t happier. I was ashamed. I was dating mean men to find someone dominant. I was reading erotica and fantasizing to get through sex. I didn’t like sex and I didn’t like me. I can’t change what turns me on. I can’t change it any more than a gay guy can go straight.
I can hide from who I am or I can accept it. I am deviant. Someday, someone will love me for all of what I am.
Turning my Head Off 
I often feel the same, that I need to go back to “normal” and leave the complications behind. I too hide my desires from friends, work, family and even my husband. I am owned, by another and hiding that obviously. It is complicated, sucks the energy out of you, but then I think what life was like before…..maybe calmer, less complicated, but also sad.
As long as you have the desires to be sated, don’t give up. If you get tired take a break, I have a few times. not playing, meeting, writing or emailing with others, but I have not yet given up.
Good luck in your journey.
beth
Thanks for the reassurance. It is nice to know someone else is in the same boat. I know that feeling of constantly fighting the urge to dive in and the voice telling me to run back to my wholesome life.