Last night, I was asked why I can’t just let it go.  He thinks I would be happier if I wasn’t trying to chase this lifestyle.  That I’d be more fulfilled and confident.

I guess I would rather not want all of this.  It complicates my life.  I can’t have my job find out.  I have to look for a man that is not only perfect for me but also matches my needs in bed.  I am dancing a scary line. I don’t really like that I want this.  If I could change it, I think I would like to be a sweet little vanilla girl.

I have wanted to submit since I was 14.  I hid from the realities of what I need for over 10 years.  I wasn’t happier.  I was ashamed.  I was dating mean men to find someone dominant.  I was reading erotica and fantasizing to get through sex.  I didn’t like sex and I didn’t like me.  I can’t change what turns me on.  I can’t change it any more than a gay guy can go straight.

I can hide from who I am or I can accept it.  I am deviant.  Someday, someone will love me for all of what I am.


2 thoughts on “deviant

  1. I often feel the same, that I need to go back to “normal” and leave the complications behind. I too hide my desires from friends, work, family and even my husband. I am owned, by another and hiding that obviously. It is complicated, sucks the energy out of you, but then I think what life was like before…..maybe calmer, less complicated, but also sad.
    As long as you have the desires to be sated, don’t give up. If you get tired take a break, I have a few times. not playing, meeting, writing or emailing with others, but I have not yet given up.
    Good luck in your journey.

    1. Thanks for the reassurance. It is nice to know someone else is in the same boat. I know that feeling of constantly fighting the urge to dive in and the voice telling me to run back to my wholesome life.

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