I knew..

You told me that if I put my faith in you, I could learn to trust more deeply.

The first time I felt it, you had told me I could cum.  I thought you said that I needed to send pictures after.  Instead, you had told me to send 4 before cumming.  I sent 2 right after and 2 in the morning.  None of the pictures went through.  I felt a bit guilty when I realized my mistake but I didn’t feel that bad.

Then you questioned my commitment.  It taught me about what each assignment says to a Master.  I promised myself I would value my assignments higher in the future and assumed that you were only questioning my commitment to teach me the importance of my actions.  You wouldn’t leave me that easily.  I could trust you.

The next time, I  came without permission.  You said that you weren’t mad that I had cum.  You explained that there were other factors.  I trust that was true.  A relationship with me had a lot of other factors but once again, I realized you were considering ending this.  You said that you had to “rethink” things.  I asked for space within minutes knowing that getting back my control was the easiest way to avoid pain.

I let you back into my life as my adviser and friend.  I knew that this would end when I screwed up again.  I worked hard to trust you with more of my thoughts and information while still feeling that you would end this at a moment’s notice.  You gave me the strength to do things that I didn’t remember I could.  You helped me to believe that there was support for me.  I was surprised by how lonely I felt.  With no explanation, you were gone.

I guess I knew all along…maybe I should have trusted myself.  In the end, you did teach me to trust more deeply.

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