Let me beat you silly

I have never been able to accept when I make a mistake.  The breakup where I couldn’t help hurting him still bothers me even now that he has  a beautiful wife.  The mistakes I made working at 16 and 18 where I should have supervised more carefully and asked more questions still bring tears to my eyes.  The small mistakes where I don’t make enough copies or forget a birthday, eat at me for more time than could ever be reasonable.

If you fuck up and apologize in a heart felt way, I can probably let it go.  If I make the same mistake, you will hear me apologize for weeks.

Punishment is something I am really excited about.  I can atone for my mistakes so that I can move on.  When I make a mistake, people tell me, “it’s all right.  We know you didn’t mean to.”  But no one ever says, “Let me beat you silly so that you can forgive yourself.”  No one has ever punished me, pushed me to cry over what I did, and then helped me process what I had done.


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