Who will I be?

Shakespeare Garden - Lightwoods Park, Bearwood...
wall flowers (Photo credit: ell brown)

I have never liked how shy and indecisive I can be.

I want someone else to make all of my big life decisions.  It has taken me years to end relationships because I don’t want to deal with the fear of making a mistake.  Buying a car ended in tears, anger, and a beautiful car that took 4 months to admit I love.  I would rather starve then pick the restaurant and accepting my current job was a beautiful mistake.

I turn bright red when a cute guy looks my way.  I avoid social situations where there are more than 3 people and I cannot make small talk.  I can’t tell you if I have been hit on because I was probably looking at my shoes.   Don’t ask me to look you in the eyes while I talk to you about sex and don’t worry about house guests, I am quieter than a mouse in bed.

So, it seems a little counterproductive to embrace the side that I have fought all my life to change.  You want to make my decisions for me and be my strength in all social situations?  Well, I guess I can make that sacrifice but what happens when I am alone again?  What do I do when I am forced to go back to being the wallflower that can’t decide what to wear?  If I embrace my submissive side, who will I be without someone else in control?

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