“You didn’t want this 2 years ago.”

I rolled away from the T.V. and looked at my boyfriend of  a few years saying, “I wish you would be more dominant in bed.”

“I don’t get what you want from me”, he responded not taking his eyes off the show.

He has never been big on talking.  I was quickly turning red and wishing I hadn’t started this. “I know.  You can read about it online.  I have articles…”, I muttered.

He spun to look at me more closely, “Where did this even come from?  You didn’t want this two years ago. Lets just stop talking about it.”

We both turned back to the TV as my heart found it’s regular pace.  Had I not wanted this two years ago?

I was 15 when I started searching for something on our home computer.    Older men were more than willing to tell me what to do.  I remember loving following the orders.  Later, there was a man who was 8 years older and very convincing.  At 17, I loved how he took control.  The chance to submit to someone else almost took me further than I would have liked.

There were boyfriends.  Most were vanilla enough that I constantly felt something was missing.  A few were wonderfully controlling.  I was ready to stay in a comfortable relationship where I was treated like a princess… resigned to fantasize.

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2 thoughts on ““You didn’t want this 2 years ago.”

  1. Her mind would wonder to the darker places few think about, her eyes closed and her heart quickened as she envisioned the tall dark man approaching her, his grip was firm, his voice deep and his tone commanding. Her lip curls as the sharp pinch of her teeth bit down on it and her fingers dug into her inner thigh as she imagined what the man had in store for her.

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